To Blame or Not to Blame...

"If you make it a habit not to blame others, you will feel the growth of the ability to love in your soul, and you will see the growth of goodness in your life."
— Leo Tolstoy

I read this quote first thing in the morning and wanted to share it with you. There are two sides to this quote that I think are worth looking in to.

First, in regards to most blame, it is much like complaining and when we lend ourselves to that behavior, we find ourselves participating in negative talk and thought patterns that can lead us away from being the kind of women (and men) we want to be. In many ways, when we blame others, we give ourselves the option for inaction, because we declare that the circumstances are beyond our control and thus we have little or no impact on how things will turn out. This is a good time to look at issues in your relationships, job, living situation and determine whether blaming your partner, boss or whomever is keeping you from taking action and whether you could improve the situation for both yourself and others. If you want more romance, rather than blaming your partner, make plans that will give both of you a loving and memorable evening. If your home isn't as clean as you would like it, rather than thinking you need a bigger house, a maid or a tidier roommate, perhaps it's time to pare down your belongings so you have less to clean and more room to keep things. Opt out of blame and into solutions.

Conversely, many of us opt to be "kind" to others by taking all of the blame upon ourselves. This is no better. There is scientific backing that suggests that a bit of outward blame is good for our well-being in that it can help us see that bad circumstances are temporary and circumstantial, letting the space for improvement still exist. If you get laid off, for example, by feeling like you are a bad worker and that if this company didn't want you, no one will, you are telling yourself that these circumstances are permanent and will be true no matter where you work. This way of thinking is very hard to overcome if you don't let some, if not all, of the blame shift. Instead, you should consider that the opposite is just as true. Play the blame game: the company that laid you off is a bad fit, is perhaps suffering, and their decision will be another company's blessing when they hire you. Framing it this way makes the circumstances temporary and only true of the previous company, not all companies.

Think about what we say to children when they face hardships from classmates: "She just does that because she likes you," (turning bad into good) or "He just says that because he's jealous," (turning the negative description on to the bully.) And we say "You're going to be okay," when they scrape their knee. We let them know that things will get better.

Today, look at something in your life that is troubling you and ask yourself: Am I taking all the blame for this and making it impossible to grow and improve? Could it be true that I'm not wholly responsible for these circumstances and can move beyond them? Or, am I placing all the blame on others and negating my chance to personally improve the situation? When things are down, or you feel like the world is against you, re-frame the situation in a less self-deprecating manner to see if the opposite could be true, and thus reveal a place to grow from.

Fate Favors The Bold

A dear friend of mine told me this short parable a while back, and I wanted to share it with you.

If everyone in the world could go to one place, and put all of their problems into a gigantic bowl, but they had to take another problem out, everyone would choose their own problems again, because they have the ability to handle that particular struggle.

In life, there are times when what we are facing seems bigger than who we are, and trying to muster the fortitude to deal with it seems impossible. While so much of what we perceive in grace is being demure, gentle and compassionate, it is also true that grace embodies strength, fearlessness and assertion. When you envision a dancer, she can not turn, leap, or hold such an elegant form without having an inner power that allows her to do so. It's the same for each of us.

A few years ago, I was at a job that was causing me constant stress. I was so unhappy, had little patience for anything and felt absolutely lost. I woke up dreading the day, and at night I was so tired that I had little left to give to my loved ones. The stress got to the point where, on brushing my hair one day, I found that a one inch section of hair had fallen out, leaving a bald spot on top of my head. For the stress to come outward like that, I can only imagine what it was doing internally!

With no more hours in the day than I had before, I began to take steps to change my circumstances, and called on my friends for insight and encouragement. I knew I wanted to be an event planner, that I would practically do it for free as I had whenever a little celebration was being planned. But the reality was, I had absolutely zero background in the industry aside from hosting or helping with parties for friends and family. I didn't have a hospitality degree or a resume full of successful events that I had single-handedly pulled together, but I knew that given the chance, I could do everything that the task required. The nay-sayers who proclaimed that having any job was better than no job came left and right, but feeling so miserable everyday was making me question such logic.

I turned to bloggers such as Leo Babauta at Zen Habits, Chris Guillebeau at The Art of Non-Conformity and Jonathan Mead at Illuminated Mind for examples of others who were living and working on their own terms. I figured out a budget for myself and saved every nickel and dime so I could quit my job, giving myself $10 or less per day for all of my food, gas and expenses. I calculated that, without a job, I could stretch the little savings I had for nearly eight months if that's what I had to do. And again and again, I told myself "Fate favors the bold."

And so, in early September of 2009, in the middle of the financial crisis, with the highest paying job I'd had, health benefits, retirement, you name it, I printed the letter of resignation I had saved on my computer months before, and set it in front of my boss.

I immediately began checking out library books about event planning, catering, starting a business, anything I could get my hands on, and I sat at a coffee shop (my $10 dwindling with that first tea purchase) and took endless notes on what I would need to be successful. At my second interview (the first turned out to be a pyramid scheme, ha!!) I was taken on as an intern for a Luxury Event Planning, Design and Catering company. A week later, I was lugging 20 lb. bags of ice up to the front door of Versace on Rodeo Drive, waiting for the company's event coordinator to arrive to tell me what to do. She never showed. In fact, she quit to return to dental school and suddenly I was working (still unpaid as an intern) for what would become a job that no longer felt like a job. I worked 70 hours per week for free for those first two months, and was offered the full time position in December.

One and a half years later, I work longer hours, have more responsibility, and most likely more eustress than I have ever had. But my hair looks good!! Job is no longer a bad word, but something I take pride in. I still have tough days, but my goodness, they still beat the best days at that "other" place.

I believe each of us have talents, strengths and wisdom that we can tap into and that we should live boldly so as to see what we are truly made of. Where, in your life, are you doing OK rather than remarkable? Take steps today to prove to yourself that you have the CouRAGE to overcome those obstacles and put yourself on a path to living exuberantly.

The Art of Handling Criticism Gracefully by Leo Babauta

This is a great article from Leo Babauta at Zen Habits. I will go into more on this in a later post but wanted to share this inspiring article with you.

The Art of Handling Criticism Gracefully by Leo Babauta

Even as we strive to become more graceful, compassionate, elegant, we will come up against criticism. There is no way to perfectly shield ourselves from the negativity of others, but learning how to respond to it will do us all well.

Tag!

"There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them." ~Lawrence Welk

Bad days happen, and unfortunately we are capable of making them far worse than they need to be, or transforming them into wonderful days. I took a turn with both yesterday, but I managed to learn a lesson in the process.

Yesterday morning, while waiting an hour for breakfast, a man pulling into the parking lot nearly plowed into me, then got out of his car and made a very rude and sarcastic remark. It was one of those moments that really upsets me because I felt unjustly accused of doing something to this driver which I hadn't done. The morning got started all wrong, and it peppered the rest of the day to where I was impatient with everyone. Food tasted bad, parking spots were nowhere to be found, the world was against me I tell ya!

Okay, in all honesty, I don't really know if people were driving or acting as badly as I thought they were, but I was in such a foul mood that no one could do right as far as I was concerned. It's like that driver had played "Tag, you're it," and I was stuck with whatever bad attitude he had and had to give it to someone else to get rid of it. I could feel my face getting hot every time anyone did anything. The person walking too slow in front of me, the woman who didn't know which latte she wanted, the guy who got the parking space I should have had. These people weren't necessarily doing anything malicious or out of the ordinary, but that didn't stop me from feeling the way I did.

And that's when it hit me. I didn't want to waste my day feeling that way, and I didn't want to keep taking it out on others. Something had to change, that something being me. I flipped the switch and in the words of Gretchen Rubin "I acted the way I wanted to feel." I forced myself to act happy, patient and kind, letting people turn in front of me, opening doors for others, whatever I could do to feel gracious rather than irritable and sullen. The actions took over for the mind and the rest of the day turned out remarkably better, even though there was still bad traffic, long lines and people that were not as considerate as they could have been. I was able to put myself in the frame of mind to know that no matter what I encountered, I could make the decision as to whether it would discourage or encourage me.

I saw so clearly that what we sometimes think of as just social graces (etiquette, manners, poise) are actually tools we can use to make our lives more satisfying and to smooth the rough edges that we sometimes come up against in life. I also learned that the kindness we show others does come back to us, because the kind person we become is much easier to get along with.

What small changes have you made to transform a bad day into a good one?

"Our real journey in life is interior: it is a matter of growth, deepening, and of an ever greater surrender to the creative action of love and grace in our hearts."

~Thomas Merton

In Another Woman's Shoes...

This was a wonderful and inspiring post from the blog Illuminated Mind. Author Ev'Yan talks about "stealing" the identity of someone you admire or who has qualities you feel you are still looking to achieve, in order to find how these strengths or traits may already exist within you.

How to Steal Someone's Identity

It's a bit like playing dress up, though this is a much deeper transformation than putting on a tutu and some fairy wings. You're going to fly like Thumbelina, not just look like her.

If you are afraid, envision yourself as someone who is bold like Leymah Gbowee and the women of Liberia who stood up to dangerous forces in their country.

If you are shy and must face something that requires more extroversion, imagine you are a person who is always at ease speaking publicly and dealing with crowds such as this delightful creature.

If you are wanting to be more patient, play the role of Saint Therese of Lisieux.

If you want to be more loving and compassionate, then I wish you knew my sister. She's a great role model for such things.

I will always default to wanting to be more Audrey. She seemed to be the kind of woman I aspire to be; eloquent, compassionate, charming. And while I won't look as good in flats and capri pants, I can play her for a day, and revel in the joy it brings.

Maya Plisetskaya

Dancing so beautifully at age 61, the inimitable Maya Plisetskaya.



She lived and danced with strength that defied the norm and created new standards in the world of ballet. In this video we see such poise, but this is a woman whose father was executed and mother shipped off to a Gulag during the Stalin regime, and who was held captive by her own country because of her heritage and being outspoken against the tyranny of her country's leaders, only let out to be a beautiful example of Russian talent.

This video and her story I find so incredibly inspiring. We all face adversity in life, some more than others, and it is how we deal with it that truly defines who we are.

Here is another sample of her work. Such a thing of beauty...

"One is happy as a result of one's own efforts, once one knows of the necessary ingredients of happiness — simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self-denial to a point, love of work, and, above all, a clear conscience. Happiness is no vague dream, of that I now feel certain."

— George Sand

We are blessed to live in a time where we can be strong without having to hide under the guise of a masculine pseudonym, such as George Sand had to do. Whether as a mother, sister or friend, we have all seen the way that feminine strength can ease sorrow, fears and guide some of the deepest relationships we have in life.

A recent study showed that subjects (both men and women) who spend the same amount of time with a woman versus the same amount of time with a man reported feeling less lonely after their time spent with a woman. Woman's ability to bond, connect and empathize is one of our greatest strengths and something we should feel proud of. And even if the boyfriend or husband is out for "guy's night," he will feel his most exuberant when he knows he has a good woman who truly understands and listens to him. This is not to put down the contribution of male relationships, but to show how important we all are to one another.

And in the words of Kenneth Parcell of 30 Rock "Miss Lemon, there’s a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth. Listening is more important than talking. But He gave us 10 fingers! God must really want us to poke things!"

The grain...

Grace means sometimes going against the grain. While it may seem that one who was living gracefully would want to be compliant and agreeable, I am apt to disagree that this is the proper action given our time. If we lived in an era where life was peaceful, children were always loved and cared for, men felt respected and admired, and women carried themselves with elegance and charm, then yes, this would be a time that falling in with the rank and file would be acceptable. It would be an environment that would lend to a type of living marked with points of universal generosity, exuberance and compassion. Unfortunately, we do not live in such a time.

When what is normal is selfishness, narcissism, greed, and little respect or regard for your fellow men, women and children, it is important to put your lovely foot down and proclaim that this is not the way for you. While the idyllic world I painted in the first paragraph sounds easier, it is in times like these that you can truly strengthen your character, and your resolve, while making a greater impact on the world around you.

Let's consider the hallmarks of today's society, specifically, what things are recurring day in and day out that are severing people from their humanity, and creating an environment that is isolated, unfeeling and lacking in grace.

It has been said that we are living in an era of "instant gratification." As noted with the recent economic downturn, people wanted homes before they could afford them. We consume resources at a rate greater than our planet can sustain us. We communicate at lightning speed without much regard for our listener, drive faster than ever, and have shorter attention spans. The result is destruction, lack of quality, chaos, depression, disconnect and a focus on negative drama to keep up with the pace of our lives.

So how should we begin to help turn the tide? To start, if everyone's going fast, slow down a bit and if everyone's being loud, whisper. Return the environment to a space of calm, beauty and nurture. Cultivate peacefulness. For today, try doing everything slower, reveling in how the pace lets you appreciate what you are doing even more. Seek out the beauty in the ordinary, and then begin sharing it with others. If you whisper, will it help you to listen to your heart? If you slow down a little, will you be able to perceive more of the beauty in the world, and appreciate the qualities that exist in others? Will it also bring you more peace?

For this week: Try out the above practice and let me know how it impacts you. What new experiences did you have? How difficult was it to slow down? Was it easy to do it alone, but you felt instantly rushed when with others? Did you feel the need to speed through life again because others wanted to sprint through it? What things did you find yourself thinking about going slower? Let me know in the comments below.

Incredible...

This weekend, I attended a consciousness expo, filled with an array of spiritual and alternative health displays. There was one area that I was drawn to, featuring books on femininity and wellness, and in my head I was saying, is there something here that I can find and learn about grace. Moments later, the women there offered a bag full of cards and said to draw one out. My boyfriend reached in first, and I reached in second. Here is what my card said:

Ananchel
The Angel of Grace

Ananchel means "grace of God" and she is here to offer you the experience of an open heart allowing the love of God to pour in.

I started erupting in a fit of giggles. It was just what I was looking for, and I couldn't believe that it was exactly what I had chosen. I found a special place to keep the card as a reminder to live with grace everyday.

What has happened in your life lately to remind you to live more gracefully?

In Search of the Graceful Muse

It began over dinner... a beautiful little Italian restaurant on Larchmont. I sat with a dear friend who was about to move out of state to join her husband who had obtained a position with a new law firm. We discussed the challenges she faced, moving close to her husband's family at a time when they faced a variety of trials, taking what life dealt to us in stride and how it was imperative to face these things with grace. And there was that word...grace.

There seems to be so little of it nowadays. We stepped out of the restaurant and wandered across the way to a newsstand and perused the various covers, looking for examples of public figures that personified this quality, and we were struck with the fact that so little of it exists. A sliver of it was there, mostly in foreign dignitaries, and perhaps much of that allure was based in the fact that we knew so little of them... and that may be where the first part of grace is created.

Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Princess Diana, Jacqueline Kennedy, bygone emblems of grace, and a part of what was so wonderful about them was that there was so little that we knew. Women that were photographed, studied and written about, and yet they controlled what was revealed, both physically, mentally and emotionally, creating an air of mystery that usually inspired others to give them traits of charity, compassion, understanding and femininity that they may or may not have possessed. While obviously self-assured, they possessed a subtle question mark in their form, in a way proclaiming, "You know much of me, but not all."

This seems to be what we have gotten further and further from in this time. Everything is revealed; there is no space to move, to expand, to question. The saying goes "Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul" but so much of this revealing is tantamount to saying, "What I am is not enough, I must seek validation outside of myself." A trick of Alfred Hitchcock's was to use his films to validate his phobias by making sure others were scared of the same things. By constantly exposing and seeking acceptance of our own self-loathing, we make it right to not embrace who we are. Begin today by keeping your first secret: Admit to yourself that you are exactly who God and the world need and want you to be.

When you move throughout your day, remember this fact. Don't tell anyone that you read this and are trying it out. Don't tell people that you are in need of improvement and are giving this new thing a go. Keep this promise to yourself, a little secret between you and your heart, a little mystery that only you know about. The twinkle in your eye will be the first sign that you have begun to find your graceful muse.