Opinions Are Lies.

Los Angeles... one of the greatest battlegrounds to challenge oneself when it comes to being lady-like and graceful. This city is notorious for having the worst traffic in the country, a population addicted to their cell phones, a modge-podge of varied characters, high costs but dilapidated infrastructure, and enough snark flying around to have changed the language of the state from English to Complain-ish.

It's incredibly easy to get mad, and stay mad, and then go on to tell others how justified you are in being mad by convincing them of the horrible behavior of others. It's a political tactic, a fetching headline and the way many people seem to communicate nowadays. What's harder is to not only bite your tongue, but to keep your cool and not impose more negativity on others to help get rid of your own. It's easy to prove how "right" we are by pointing out the faults of others, cutting someone off who is driving slow, rolling our eyes, blogging or tweeting about it, but such behavior could hurt others and is the perfect fertilizer for the bad feelings that are growing inside. We've gotten so good at pointing out and talking about bad behavior that it's not that easy to remember what's good!

I was lucky to have met a woman a few years ago who gave me this incredible bit of information. She said "Opinions are lies." Wait, what? But shouldn't we be allowed to express ourselves by saying whether something or someone is awful and telling others? Possibly, but consider this. Have you ever spoken badly about someone, only to later find out that your previous opinion wasn't exactly accurate? And have you ever gone around and told everyone that you spoke to negatively about that person that you had changed your mind?

Yeah, that last part rarely happens. There is a wonderful example set in the 16th Century by St. Philip Neri who told a woman who confessed to gossip that her penance was to go to the top of the church bell tower and rip open a feather pillow, and let the wind blow all the feathers away, then to come back to him. She did as St. Neri instructed and then returned to him. He then said that her next task was to go and gather all the feathers that had scattered. She implored that it wasn't possible, and that was how St. Neri made known, through a parable fitting a man of God, the gravity of her gossip and negative speak. He made her realize that once you've done this destructive thing, it continues to scatter and spread to unknown and unretrievable places for days, months, maybe forever.

So consider what you wish to scatter across the earth... beauty, kindness, humor, joy? Or complaints, critical opinions, little white lies, bitterness and wounds? I hope, if you're reading this, that your choice is easy to make. Keep your feather pillow intact.

My Thoughts on Why I believe the Life Upgrades Method will work

A big part of why I've created this system for the New Year is that a lot of people are hoping the willpower they have on December 31st of this year will compel them all the way through next year. Knowing this, there are a couple of factors here that I hope will actually make this method more compelling and manageable. Some of this comes from personal experience, while also incorporating what many experts state about acquiring new habits.

1. Giving Future You a Break - If you've ever packed your gym bag and climbed into your cozy warm bed, only to discover that the morning version of you has zero intention of actually getting out of said bed to workout, you've experienced the crux of resolutions. You're making plans for a future version of yourself to do things that current you doesn't really want to do long term. By giving yourself a cut off date for each weekly task, and enough variety that they can wiggle out of it without much guilt, you're frontloading some willpower that future you will appreciate.
   
2. Leveling Up - As the saying goes, an object in motion stays in motion. That is, until we enter the workforce. I believe that given the first 20+ years of our life were about leveling up through education, height (I can now get on that ride!), finances, etc. we still have a strong desire to level up in life, which is why the fitness and self-help industry are always booming. By creating a system like this, you are leveling up weekly, while learning a lot about yourself. Authors like Tim Ferriss have documented their forays into Self-Experimentation, testing the boundaries of their physical and mental capabilities. I have done a few 30 day fitness challenges, and they make the day more fun and rewarding. Who doesn't want that?
   
3. One Task at a Time - Many people set a lot of New Year's Resolutions that they attempt to tackle at the same time. But with just getting back to work, winter weather and travel, post-holiday finances, and post-holiday blues (no vacations until Summertime!!), trying to muster willpower out of thin, dry, cold air is pretty difficult. Since you only need to do one task each week, and can save a more difficult or daunting task for later in the year, you can build your tasks around when life is more accommodating.
   
4. Adding, not Abstaining - A lot of Resolutions end up being about abstaining from things - food, alcohol, etc. Starting off the year with all the things you aren't supposed to do is just pointing you in the wrong direction. You're focused on Past You and what they did that you want to avoid, rather than what Present You wants to accomplish. There's something great in thinking about all the Life Upgrades you'll gain in the coming year, rather than all the resolutions you didn't stick to. You can literally Upgrade Your Life any week of the year, rather than waiting for January 1st.
   
5. Systems, not Goals - You may have noticed that nowhere in this process did you set a goal or endpoint for any area of life or task. This was one of the key takeaways I gained from Scott Adams' writing, and given his understanding of human behavior, I'm confident he's correct in this. I deliberately avoided the word "goal" to insure that you are never heading for a destination that you will or will not get to. Think of this system as opting to fly First Class rather than Coach. You're still going the same direction, but your experience will be calmer, more comfortable, more fulfilling. This is the journey of life, and you get to decide how you get there. 

I'll be posting how this process goes for me and would love to hear from you as well. Thank you for reading and wishing you much success in your journey!

Free Trial Subscription - Life Upgrades Part 3

If you've completed Parts 1 and 2 of the Free Trial Subscription - Life Upgrades, it's now time to learn about Weekly Reflections, A/B Testing and How to Stay Motivated.

Step 4 - Weekly Reflections and A/B Testing

Weekly Reflections are a helpful way to A/B Test the efficacy of each new task. You may end up adopting every new task as an essential and valuable part of your life, but if your weekly reflections shows it wasn't that effective, why would you keep it up? These tasks are like a free trial for a product. Weekly reflections are where you sign-up or opt-out, or even re-negotiate better terms that work for you.

On the final day of the week, but before you start planning for the next task, please take a few minutes to answer the following:

Weekly Reflections Questions

1. How did this week's task go? (Write freely and at length. You might discover something valuable you hadn't realized that the task brought about.)
   
2. Did you feel the task was a positive addition to your life?
   
3. How would you adjust the task to make it more effective?
   
4. Do you want to continue doing this next week?
   
5. If not, can you adapt a version that you will want to continue, or is the task not adding enough given the effort?

That's it! Those five questions should help you determine whether the task is a net positive, a challenge but worth tweaking and continuing, or a novel trial that doesn't fit into your life. Either way it goes, you'll have a new skill, tool or understanding about how you work and what adds to your life.

Preparing for the Next Week

Looking at the following week, if on Saturday you find you are not motivated to do the next task, and I mean zero interest, not just a sense of wanting to avoid an upcoming obligation, grab your original list and find a task in that same life category that does excite you and swap it in. A lot of the joy in life comes from the planning phase, which plants the first seeds of motivation. Take some time on that Saturday to do research on what others have said about that task or method, and how it's helped them. Hit up a bookstore or library, go to Youtube or find a local expert and build up an arsenal of facts and information that you can weaponize against any excuses or malaise that may try to sneak in in the coming week. And if you need some additional help, bring in some Rewards and Motivators.

Bonus -  Rewards and A/B Testing Your Motivators

In theory, doing these tasks would be reward enough, but who am I kidding?!?! We all need a little extra motivation here and there.

Small Rewards can help if willpower starts to fail. Usually the reward is something you have had to abstain from because of the task (TV, junk food, sleeping in, etc.) but I would also suggest small purchases that you won't get to use until a certain task has been completed. A friend of mine keeps a box with unopened items that she's been given or ordered that she won't access until she's exercised a certain number of days. Hey, it worked on us as kids, it may very well work on us now. Take that new purchase and store it in a special spot with the goal in mind that you'll get it once your task is complete.

See It! - You may also like the daily experience of physically seeing your accomplishments completed. If this is you, creating a physical calendar where you can put a big X on each day that you complete the day's task might be the feedback that your mind enjoys. Place it somewhere that you'll see it daily, and make it aesthetically pleasing so it adds to the room.

Accountability Partners can help keep you focused by checking in on your progress and reminding you why you started this in the first place. Ideally, they would be working on something that you could support them in as well. Additionally, there are online communities for just about everything nowadays, so if you can't find a friend, you may be able to make a new one with your shared task interest.

Public Declarations can be a great way to stay motivated, but I caution that some studies show that just stating that you will do a challenge can give you the same rush of actually doing the challenge before you've even started, especially as pre-challenge congratulations start rolling in. Test this one for yourself to see whether it's better for you to keep it a secret, or if the thought of public shame is compelling enough.

Bet On It - Sometimes having a little skin in the game helps. There are Online Apps where you can place small wagers on whether you'll get to the gym or jog a certain distance, and . If your task doesn't work for these apps, you can make the commitment that if you don't complete it, you'll have to donate X amount of dollars to a charity that you like, or more deviously motivating, one that you don't want to support. Signing up for a class, thus creating a financial transaction and a loss if you don't attend, can also be a motivator.

A/B Test Your Motivators

While you're doing your tasks, tinker with each of these rewards/motivators to see which works best for you. This is, again, incredibly valuable information that you can use in other areas of your life or down the line with more challenging weekly tasks. A big part of this entire process is gathering information about what works for you, so don't skip out on realizing that having a high end chocolate bar sitting unopened in the cupboard or a friend who expects you to call them after you complete your task can be applied to any number of situations in your life to help you push through when you need it.

So one more question to add to your Weekly Reflections would be

1. What was the key motivator for me in doing this task? 

In some cases, the task itself may have been motivating enough, or it may have been a promise you made to someone you love. It could be a mentor or role model that you admired enough to push you through. Again, the information gained from this single question can end up being used in other areas of your life to push you through a daunting challenge.

I'd love to hear from you on how this goes for your chosen tasks and motivators. Again, these are all small trials that when added up over a year, can lead to some great personal data and insight, as well as some major Life Upgrades. It's all in how you build and apply it.

###

I suggest Bookmarking this page so you can come back to it at the end of the week for the Weekly Reflections questions. I plan to copy and paste these questions into a Word doc so I can look back at them at the end of the year for insight as well as a journal of the year's accomplishments, which can be a great motivator for the following year.

Free Trial Subscription - Life Upgrades Part 2

If you've completed Part 1 of the Free Trial Subscription - Life Upgrades, it's now time to start getting organized for the month, or even the year, ahead.

It's time to start putting your tasks into your calendar. If you have a planner or calendar program already, I suggest having it close by so you can see whether any events you already have scheduled will conflict or derail particular tasks, and schedule around those. Give yourself the best possible chance to succeed with these Task Trials. Now you can start the process of upgrading your life!

Step 3 - How to Organize the Year Ahead, plus Baseline Tasks

Looking over your list, choose one task from each category to do in the coming month: Physical Well-Being, Mental Well-Being, Inner World and Outer World. I plan to choose these just a month in advance, and re-evaluate as needed for the following month based on my Weekly Reflections and interests. If you want to do six months or the whole year, go for it, but in my experience, Future Me is not as stoked about all the things I'm scheduling for her to do, so you may, at some point, have to revisit both your tasks and your reasons for doing them.

For January, my weekly challenges are as follows.

Week One (P) - Run One Mile Per Day
Week Two (I) - Pomodoro Technique
Week Three (M) - Daily Affirmations
Week Four (O) - Be Complaint Free (read my previous post on this here)

These are in no particular order. I realize I have some extra time off because of the holidays so running will be easier the first week of January, and thus, easier to stick to in the beginning, so you may want to look at your calendar to see when each task will be easiest to manage for your month.

My next recommendation is to use technology to help with Task Management and Scheduling. I've created a recurring task on Saturday mornings for Reflections on the Week (Learn more in Part 3) and to prepare for the next week's task. This may include picking up a book, purchasing particular food, scheduling time for a particular task, booking a meeting, etc. For my Daily Affirmations, I'll need to figure out what those will be so I'm ready to go on Sunday morning. If I'm scheduling a certain time for a task, I'll set an alarm in my phone as a daily reminder.

If you prefer, you can buy or print out a calendar with the weekly tasks written on whichever day starts your week, or if you think your tasks may change, use Sticky-notes in different colors for each category to map out the year, with the option of swapping weekly tasks around as needed. (I've provided a link to a Google Doc with a 2017 Calendar you can Make A Copy of and use for this challenge.)

Bonus - Baseline Tasks

Baseline tasks are activities that I am going to do daily regardless of the weekly task. The two that spring to mind are in part because I created a habit of them in the past and found they have added to my life in a way that means I don't want to skip over them while committing to other "Life Upgrades." You may have a few similar tasks that you can re-commit to as part of this process. They will anchor your efforts and should support the other goals and your quality of life.

10 minutes of movement/exercise per day - The first Baseline Task is doing at least 10 minutes of movement/exercise per day. This might not seem like a lot, but I find by just setting a goal of 10 minutes, I usually end up doing more, and the quality of life benefits are too valuable to pass up. Since only one week each month is fully dedicated to "Physical Well Being" this Baseline Task is a given. Back to Scott Adams' insight, he recommends doing a level of exercise that insures you don't feel discouraged from wanting to workout again the next day due to exhaustion or soreness, which can derail your willpower to workout. Additionally, sometimes just setting a timer to get moving, knowing you can stop when it goes off creates enough momentum to lead to a bit more movement, a few more sets. This will help increase your endurance and you'll get used to including exercise in your schedule, making the whole process easier.

Going offline at 9 pm - The second Baseline Task is turning off my phone and laptop at 9 pm. The science behind disconnecting is huge (improved sleep, better posture, more focus) but I haven't completely separated myself from gadgetland yet, and I hope to use the coming year's tasks to thrive more offline. For now, I have an alarm on my phone that goes off at 9 pm, after which I put my phone in Airplane Mode and start to wind down for the night. This provides time to meditate, read, tidy my home, take care of my skin and teeth, journal, lay out clothes, write down tasks for the next day, have some tea, or just be disconnected for a bit.

I hope you'll consider signing up for this Free Trial Subscription of Life Upgrades. You can renew every week for all of time with no cost or obligation, and everything you receive is yours to keep.

###

Part 3 will include How to do Weekly Reflections and A/B Testing, plus Rewards/Motivators (Posting on 1/1)

Free Trial Subscription - Life Upgrades Part 1

What I'd like to attempt in 2017 is to develop a system by which one starts a new task, habit or way of thinking each week, evaluates its efficacy and whether its addition is a gain or loss to their quality of life, and then adopt it or let it go and try something else. The point of all of this is not to reach certain set-in-stone goals of pounds lost, money saved, connections made, but instead, just a series of life upgrades that help enhance every area of your life in unique-to-you ways.

My chosen weekly tasks are things that caught my eye from different authors and thought leaders, and which seemed like they might make me happier, healthier, smarter. Since I can't possibly know how happy, healthy or smart I can ever be, and because my personal experience shows that there isn't a final goal in those areas, I can punctuate my life with "free, no obligation trials" to see which of the ideas of all the gurus, nutritionists, self-helpers and business leaders work for my life and which ones don't. Learning what doesn't work is just as useful as knowing what does.

This is the time of year when people often start, and quit, their New Year's resolutions. My hope is that I can circumvent the usual pitfalls of the resolution process to find a system that enhances all the areas of our lives with little reliance on the willpower that often runs out before we've reached a certain goal.

Step One - Write Down Everything You Think Would Make Your Life Better

To help figure out your year of challenges, create a list by thinking of all the things you'd like to do, believe would add to you life, or have read about but haven't implemented. You can add to this list as the year commences, but this gives you a great place to see what experts have said and what you're personally drawn to trying. I wrote all of mine down on paper, and then proceeded to the next step, categorization.



Step Two - Be Well Rounded in Your Pursuits

So as not to over-tax yourself in any one way (All Physical Well-Being by Going Raw Vegan, while trying Power Yoga and Morning Cold Showers +++), plan to divide the tasks up into a four week rotation which will feature activities that will enhance different areas of your life. In Scott Adams' book "How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big" he talks about the importance of having a talent stack, meaning you can do fairly well in a variety of areas, (public speaking, marketing, video editing and fitness, for example) which will create opportunities to do well in any number of fields. Adams states "One of the most powerful systems I have seen involves layering one modest skill on top of another until the effect is something special… When you learn to see the world in terms of systems, not goals, everything comes into focus."

By varying the different tasks you choose to focus on in the coming year, you will...

1) Have time to expand or develop the other areas while you tinker with a new one
2) Create variety which our brains very much enjoy
3) Develop your own talent stack

The Four Areas of Life that I created tasks or challenges for are as follows:

Physical Well Being (P) - This includes exercise, nutrition, skin and hair care, physical challenges, etc.

Mental Well Being (M) - This includes spiritual development, brain training exercises, gratitude, focus, self-control, mindset, anything that goes internal that is strictly for you and your own experience.

Inner World (I) - These are the tasks you develop to better equip you for the outside world such as stress management, continued education, skill development, managing your finances and future, and language learning.

Outer World (O) - These are tasks that interact with others including your relationships with partners, family, friends, colleagues, how you present yourself and your home, how you communicate and network, and how you curate your environment.

Through all of my reading, I could have a weekly task for each of these categories. For now, I'll stick to them being a priority for one week per month, while I adapt to the others. Since my willpower gets a special New Year's boost, I'm going to start with some tougher challenges early.

Taking the list from Step One, I went through and wrote a P, M, I or O next to them, to create the list below. Some of your tasks may fall into a couple of categories, so tinker with them in a way that you don't feel will overwhelm one particular category if they're done close together.

Here's my list. Some of these you may want to try, others you might think are not valuable to you. Create a list of things that excite and challenge you. I've included hyperlinks on a few so you can learn more about them, while others are self-explanatory.

Physical

Cold Showers
Run 1 Mile Per Day
Dry Brushing
Stretch
Go to Bed Early
Spend Time Daily in the Sun/Outdoors
Hydrate
Intermittent Fasting
No Heat Hairstyles
Avoiding bread/pasta/rice/potatoes
Anti-Inflammatory Diet
Eat Mindfully
Eye Exercises

Mental

Meditation
Affirmations
Positive Mental Attitude
Journal
Express Gratitude
Single Tasking
Read Philosophy and Spiritual Books
Practice a Daily Hour of Silence
Speak Less

Inner World

Budget/Save X Amount
No Credit Cards, Pay with Cash Only
Mind/Memory Games
Public Speaking Course
Learn Video Editing
No Internet
No TV
Wake Up Early Daily
Read Non-Fiction and Biographies
Create Task Lists
Try Nootropics
Pomodoro Technique
Practice Spanish

Outer World

Volunteer
Don't Complain (Previous post here)
Tidy Daily
Make a New Recipe
Coordinate a Group Outing
Say Yes to Social Invitations
Find a Networking Opportunity
Master the Art of Conversation
De-Clutter

As an added component for your own personal understanding, you can rank them in terms of ease and/or interest, and toggle months to feature a range of really exciting ones, those you can do easily, and those you're reluctant to do or know will be more difficult.

I suggest not being too legalistic about this. If you realize a task you have slated no longer serves you, change it, but don't skip that category. Additionally, if a future task excites you and you want to add it now while attempting some other task, that's fine but they can't replace each other. There's no penalty for any of this, but the intention is for these to improve your world enough that you decide to incorporate more of them because they make your life better. Again, life upgrades!

###

Part 2 will include How to Organize the Year Ahead, plus Baseline Tasks (Posting on 12/31)

Part 3 will include Weekly Reflections and A/B Testing, plus Rewards/Motivators (Posting on 1/1)

For Adre...

Photo Courtesy of Tatiannna at Deviantart

Hello Jessica!

I'm Adre and we met on Saturday at the opening season workshop. I just wanted to say thank you! It was great meeting you on Saturday and I hope to see you soon. Also, I think it is very cool what you do for *****! Planning their events and things like that, so awesome! I'd think I'd like to do what you do "when I grow up." (Haha!) So yes, I also just wanted to tell you that you are an inspiration because what you do, I think, is really cool. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it! 

Thank you so much Jessica!

I met Adre briefly over the weekend at Welcome Day. We had spoken while she waited to meet the executive director and as she was leaving, she asked if I would write down my email address in her new journal.  I was so overwhelmed when I received this email.  She thought I was inspiring?!?!  And that what I do is both cool and awesome!?!?  With all the planning for this upcoming season (partnerships, sponsors, negotiating venues for the workshops, planning fundraisers) I've felt far from cool and mostly just tired, overwhelmed and inevitably a bit stressed.  Her email reminded me of why I chose to work with an organization like *****.  I hit reply and typed the message below.  

What advice can I give you on what I do?  Gosh, I guess the thing I try to remind myself of daily is "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."  In events, something always goes a little awry, but you really have to learn to roll with it and if everyone is safe and having a good time, then the rest will take care of itself.  The best way to get good at a thing is doing it, and if you are ever afraid of trying something because you might not get it "just right," hold your head up and do it anyway.  I've learned more from the things that didn't go as planned (not wrong, just un-planned) than anything else.

Play. Invite people over for no reason just to see what kind of furniture designs and impromptu event decor you can come up with from what you already own. Go to the flower mart downtown and see what the planet is growing. Try every food. Say yes to invitations.  And don't save your nice shoes, jewelry, dishes, dresses, whatever, for someday when things will be special.  Every day is worth celebrating.

As I typed it, I might as well have been writing it to myself.  We are so blessed to have opportunities to encourage others to live their best lives by doing that very act ourselves. What have you done to live your best life lately?  Remember, there's a good chance someone is watching you and being encouraged to do the same.

Ouspensky's "The Fourth Way" and Negative Emotions

Recently, I read back over some of my favorite passages from "The Fourth Way" by P.D. Ouspensky, and there were several important points that he made in the book and in his later works on negative emotions, our attachments to them, and the way to move from our addiction to negative expression. Yes, many of us are addicted to negative emotions, in spite of all of our affirming that we want to be happy, positive people.

In his book, he notes that "there is not a single useful negative emotion, useful in any sense. Negative emotions are all a sign of weakness." Many will say that we need to be able to express when things are bad or dangerous or we are hurt, and in the moment, this is true. However, many of us dwell on the negative far past the time when it is relevant, allowing it to diminish the joy of the present. In politics, in jobs, in personal life, we take great liberties in imposing our negative emotions on others, and we often derive a great deal of pleasure from it. Ouspensky points out that "almost all of our personal negative emotions are based on accusations, somebody else is guilty," but if we realize "we are the cause of all that happens to us, that changes things..." He goes on to say that "You do not realize how much you lose by these spontaneous manifestations of negative character. They make so many things impossible."

Ouspensky suggests that one of the cures for negative emotions is to confront our struggle with identification. We like to think that there are circumstances that create negative emotions, when in reality, "all negative emotions are in us, inside us." We are so quick to proclaim that things are out of our control, but we are each given the freedom to decide if we will succumb to negativity when faced with adversity, or rise above it, staying present, and holding fast to what is in fact, our true positive reality. In the "Power of Now," Eckhart Tolle speaks of a mentor who would raise his index finger and ask "What, in this moment, is missing?" basically stating that "The past has no power over the present moment" unless we grant it to the power to do so.

The next time you feel compelled to sit down with a friend to languish over your trials, stop and think "What, in this moment, is missing? Am I identifying with circumstances that will manifest more negativity, rather than eradicating it?" As you see that kind face across from you, loving you, being there for you, reconsider whether remembering and reliving the negative is worthwhile, or if you can find the strength to let go of your need for negative expression and instead find positivity and bliss in each moment.

What does ladylike look like?

I've seen many women struggle with the idea that being lady-like looks like the picture above; passive, well-coiffed, well dressed, demure.  Being a woman who transcends just her gender identification and acquires the description of "a lady," should be based more on one's character than costume and good cosmetics.  In general, we have given too much weight to the appearance of refinement instead of the actual acknowledgement and valuation of behavior and lives that showcase good core values, manners, sound character and compassion. The traits and behaviors that we admire in a lady are just as admirable in a gentleman, and the sooner women embrace them, the sooner men will be encouraged to do the same.  So for fun, take a moment to determine whether the words of wisdom below are from a man or a women, and whether they are gender specific or not.


1. No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.


2. Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present.

3. In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it.

4. All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind.

5. A man's character is like his shadow, which sometimes follows and sometimes precedes him, and which is occasionally longer, occasionally shorter, than he is. 

6.  Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

7. The more a man knows, the more he forgives.

8. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

9. The extent of your consciousness is limited only by your ability to love and to embrace with your love the space around you, and all it contains.

10. Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.

Answers

1. Aesop 2. George Washington 3. Marianne Williamson 4. Abraham Lincoln 5. Madame de la Rochejaquelein 6. Leo Buscaglia 7. Catherine the Great 8. Audrey Hepburn 9. Napoleon Bonaparte 10. Margaret Thatcher

I very much believe that women set the tone for the way that men and children think about and carry themselves as we have been given the gift of understanding how best to nurture one another as well as how to express love and compassion. When we falter in these modes, the others suffer and are not encouraged to rise to the greatest expression of themselves.  Don't worry about how to sit properly or wear pearls as much as finding ways, everyday, to enliven your highest self.

"Elevate the girls, and you elevate the world."   That's mine.  ;)

Instincts, Altruism and Selflessness

Yes, yes, I know I am supposed to share inspiring stories of women who are really being great role models, but I found this story so moving that I wanted to share it with you.

The rescued infant.
Photo by Ghana News Agency

In Ghana, a woman believed she had lost her dog and had a search party helping to track her beloved canine friend down through the nearby forest.  They searched and searched, and eventually found this now heroic farm dog, cuddled up against a two week old baby that had been abandoned under a bridge.  Keeping the child warm and safe from harm, the dog was able to nurture something unfamiliar and most likely saved the child's life. Amazing!

I'm not one to play at personification of animals.  I truly love and embrace the nature of dogs and cats and praying mantises and whatever else, but in this instant, there is truly something so inspiring in the dog's behavior that I felt compelled to write about it.  

Animals have been known to accept the young of other animals into their litters, raising them as their own and resulting in puppies that grow up to clean themselves like kittens or baby hippos that are convinced their mother is a 130 year old giant male tortoise.

Photo Credit: Muhammad Hamed / Reuters 

There have been studies conducted on Animal Altruism, or the sacrificing of oneself for the protection or betterment of another. These acts of protecting another have helped to improve and evolve the species over time by insuring that all members of a species are given the opportunity to live, thrive, feel protected and inherit the traits and behaviors that will protect future generations.

I know many of us are hesitant to leave our safe places and venture into the unfamiliar, which is a part of our instinctive call to self-preservation.  Helping a stranger, accepting a new or unknown person or pet into our care, going to a part of town that you've never been to to help people you've never met, all pushes us out of our comfort zone.  But the truth is, what you instill in yourself, the trait of selflessness and altruism, is something you may also pass down to your friends, your family, your community and those that you help.  That farm dog left his meal bowl and everything familiar because something told him that someone needed his help.  And right now, in this world, I know someone needs you.

Dining in Style...

Things have been quite busy around here and with a very exciting event coming up at a gorgeous home in Los Angeles, I couldn't wait to put on my creative cap and design an inspiration board for their dinner party.  The home, built in the 1920s, has many of the Egyptian style touches that were so prominent during the era when King Tutankhamun's tomb was discovered and caused a style renaissance that is still visible in many of the older homes and theaters built during that decade.  To honor the era, I created an inspiration board built around the Hollywood Regency design with a bit of glamour, femininity and celebration.  The client wanted to avoid a lot of color, so I opted for subtle hints of yellow and candlelight to give that bit of warmth and luminosity without pulling too many hues. I hope you enjoy!

Don't Invite Them to the Party

A few years ago, a movie came out called "Dinner With the Schmucks." I only saw the trailers but I chose not to see it as it seemed to revolve around inviting someone played by Steve Carrell, to attend parties and whose antics and misbehavior would make everyone feel uncomfortable. ***Whether this was the ultimate plot, I couldn't say, but that's how it was advertised to me.***

So why bring it up? Well, over the holiday I was chatting with my brother and brought up a topic that made me upset, and his retort, with a straight face was "You see what you did there? You invited them to the party." I stopped dead in my tracks. Yes, we were having a great time, I hadn't seen him in six months and I had let something that was unpleasant and negative "join" our party.

As an Event Planner, I have had to deal with my fair share of uninvited guests and party crashers that have made the mood unpleasant for others. We had one girl who like to hoard cocktail napkins and later set them over a candle. Instead of enjoying the rest of the wonderfully well-behaved guests, I was having to keep tabs on this girl the whole night to make sure she didn't cause a disturbance or a fire!

The same is true of inviting unwanted thoughts, conversations or topics into the time we spend with those we care about. We focus on the troublemakers rather than the gracious people that are around us, cheering us on, toasting life's accomplishments, dancing to the music.

So what better way to remind myself to not invite negative speak or stressful topics into my life then by "Not inviting them to the party?" This works for me!

But it might not work for everyone, so I am happy to share another suggestion from one of my colleagues:

He told me that every night when he arrives home, he pauses, places his hand over the numbers on his house, and that's where he checks all the stress of the day. (See all these great guys with such wonderful insight!) Whether it be work, traffic, whatever, he leaves it outside and enters his home with serenity and happiness. I'm honored to be a part of planning his wedding in just a little over a month, and feel like his bride-to-be is lucky to have a husband that sees the value of letting whatever stressful things may have happened in the day not interfere with their time together.

I think it's important for all of us to have that secret password or gesture that forbids all negative things from crossing the threshold in to our happiness, relationships and peace of mind. What have you found that works for you? Please share your suggestions in the comments below.

Perhaps a little musical inspiration for kicking those party crashers out:

Ray Charles and British Schoolchildren singing "Hit the Road, Jack"

Post-It Flowers

If you've ever been in the awkward position of realizing you've forgotten to bring something for an office birthday party, here is a fun little project you can do with just a few of the items you might find around the office. Head to the supply closet, or reach into your side drawer, for a stack of sticky notes and some glue and follow along.

For this project, you will need five Post-Its or square pieces of paper per flower. Depending on whether you want to go really crazy and make a bouquet, you can create something quite lovely with a single stack, or a variety of colors to really make it pop.

1. Fold the paper on a diagonal, connecting one corner to another, so you have a right triangle. Turn the triangle so that right corner is facing away from you.

2. Fold both the left and right corners up to the right angled corner. (Using your geometry skills!) This should give you a near perfect square shape again, but not for long.

3. Using your finger, open up the folded corners so it's like a small cone. (Please note, if you're using Post-Its, the stickiness will make one side a bit difficult to open.)

4. Press down on the cone so that the crease you see in the paper runs down the middle.

5. Repeat this with the other fold. It should look like you have 3 lazy diamonds side-by-side.

6. Fold down the triangular tops of the outer diamond areas, so that they are level with the edges of the paper.

7. Where you see that crease down the middle of the diamond, fold each side in on itself.

8. Use a bit of glue on the outer part of the folded diamond, and bring both sides together to make a cone shape. This is the way to make one petal. You can squeeze as tight as you like as you can fluff them up a bit later. For now, just get them secure.

9. If you're in a rush or don't have glue, you can use a paper clip. Repeat with the rest of the Post-its or pieces of paper.

10. Once the petals are folded and dry, you can begin applying glue to the outer areas close to all of the folds, and pressing two petals together. Again, squeeze all you want, as they can be fluffed up later.

11. Repeat this with the petals until you have two stuck together, three, four and finally five. The more you puff them out, the easier they are to connect.

12. Present your masterpiece to your coworker, letting them know you didn't quite know what to get them, but you hope this will brighten their day. Add sheepish grin.

Eighteen Days Without You

"Then I think of you in bed,
your tongue half chocolate, half ocean,
of the houses that you swing into,
of the steel wool hair on your head,
of your persistent hands and then
how we gnaw at the barrier because we are two."

I recently came across this jarring and lovely poem "Eighteen Days Without You" by Anne Sexton. I would transcribe it here, but instead, there is a page that has displayed them so perfectly and where you can read the whole work Eighteen Days Without You Her raw "confessional poet" style is sometimes disturbing, tantalizing, sometimes haunting and then beautiful.

As her teacher Robert Lowell once said of Sexton, “her gift was to grip, to give words to the drama of her personality.”

The Swell Season

I heard this song today and was inspired to write a little story. Please click play then read along. I hope you enjoy!



It was the sort of place where people were hesitant to keep their heads up, preferring to avert their eyes, as fearful of the obstacles at their feet as the cold stares of their fellow man. She would take a straight path into town, her steps quick and steady, searching for the things that would keep her alive. Something to trade perhaps, for the small offerings her farm brought about; a piece of cloth to block out the biting, evening air, some simple tools to fix what was broken at home. She was so vulnerable wandering alone, but what choice did she have. She must survive. Her only solace was in the pieces of paper that the poor merchants would wrap around the scraps they sold her. She would carry them close to her body, held gingerly in her fingertips so as not to be stained by their contents.

Upon arriving home, she would unwrap the twine and remove the cheese or bread or bit of dried fish, and tuck them into the jars that had managed to stay in tact through so many ancestral hands. She would wipe the papers clean, and string them up beside her threadbare clothing that never seemed to dry. The glass of her one window was wiped clean daily, and through so many years, subtle transformations had thinned the upper pane and the bottom was ever so gently expanding to seal the chill out of the lower portion. In another fifty years, it would be weatherproof. By early afternoon, but everyday a little earlier, a ray of light would find its way through her window, and then she'd watch in wonder as before her eyes, the wrinkles of the papers were ironed out, the pulp and fibers would vibrate with warmth and strengthen, transforming into a fine piece of parchment for her words to fall upon. For one half hour per day, she'd sit at her worn wooden table, watching the sunlight turn her papers golden, enchanted.

There was much work to be done, and losing one's way in such silly pleasures would only lead to trouble. As the sun ebbed further along into the sky, she would take down her pages, their warmth fleeing fast, and tuck them under the large bible that her father had read to them in their youth. The passages and stories were etched into her mind; tales of lost souls, seekers, traitors, heroes, floating around her in her father's baritone. His warnings about straying from the path of righteousness had given her a fear of man, not of God, for such anger and punishment could not be inflicted by the same entity that created the beauty around her. For all the struggle of her life, there was still a thread of good that only seemed to hint at another world beyond this.

When the Summer came about, and the days grew longer, she would find the time to take her collection of pages to a place above the small village. There the terrain was not fit for farming, and was too open and exposed for hunting or game to venture there during the day. She would make her way on sturdy legs, feeling the pebbles pushing through the soles of her shoes, little birds in shrubs flitting nervously at her presence. She'd roll her foot slowly one past the other, trying to leave no trace of herself. The sagebrush and Indian ricegrass would release their seedlings into her hem, and she would carry them with her as far as she could.

The hill contained the remnants of one tree, one that she remembered gazing upon from time to time as a child, when she and her family would make their way into town. It gained strength from being so alone on the hill, nothing to compete with it for nutrients, but it was also the tallest point when a lightning storm came through. Its magnificent form was now splintered down the middle, its upper branches cascading down and creating a sort of shelter that she would now nestle under. It was the only thing that separated her from the expansive, unfettered heavens that spread out around her. In the twists of the gnarled roots, she found the clean smooth stones that she used to hold down her pages from blowing away, and set them down for safekeeping. She walked just above the level of the tree, and then a little higher, until she was for a few moments, the highest point of that which her eyes could behold. No doubt, taller mountains existed elsewhere, but here she was. The storm, if it came, would now strike her first. But it was a clear, cloudless sky. The air was warm and the walk had inspired great adventures in her mind, and she was eager to write herself into another world.

Bubbles, Berries and a Bit of Merry!

This time of year is always wonderful for seeking out new ways to celebrate the holidays. I'll be heading home soon for some celebrations with both family and friends, where I hope to share these wonderful little favors and nibbles.

Blackberry Kir Royale

4 blackberries, quartered
3 Tablespoons Creme de Cassis
1 bottle Champagne, Prosecco or other dry sparkling white wine, chilled

In a small nonreactive bowl, combine the blackberries and Creme de Cassis and let stand for 15 minutes to let the fruit macerate. Spoon 4 pieces of marinated blackberry into each flute. Top with Champagne & serve immediately.
Serves 4.

[Image and Recipe Courtesy of The Food Channel]

Sparkling Cranberry Brie Bites

Sugared Cranberries

2 cups fresh cranberries
1 cup good maple syrup
1 cup granulated sugar
Rinse cranberries and place in a medium bowl. Heat syrup in a small sauce pan just until warm. Pour over cranberries when syrup is warm, not hot, or cranberries may pop. Cool, cover, and let soak in the refrigerator overnight.
Drain cranberries in a colander. Place sugar in a large bowl or baking dish. Add cranberries in 2 batches and roll around until lightly coated in sugar. Place on a baking sheet until dry, about 1 hour.

16 crackers
8 oz Brie cheese
cranberry chutney or cranberry relish
fresh mint for garnish

Assemble crackers with one slice of brie, a light layer of cranberry chutney, and 4 or 5 sugared cranberries. Garnish with fresh mint sprigs.

[Images and Recipe Courtesy of Yummy Mummy Kitchen]

Crepe and Lace Party Crackers

Supplies:

Cardboard tube about 4-5 inches long (paper towel rolls and wrapping paper tubes are good sources)
Lace fabric
Crepe Paper
Scissors
Double stick tape
Very sturdy thread or twine

Optional: For added interest we added star shaped sequins (found at fabric stores) and stars punched from gold paper

Instructions:

1. Begin by cutting lace fabric and crepe paper into rectangles. The shortest side of the rectangle should be long enough to wrap around the tube - usually about 6-7 inches. The longest side should be the length of the cardboard tube plus an additional 6-8 inches. Once you've determined your dimensions write them down so all your favors will be uniform.

2. Wrap crepe paper and lace fabric around tube so that the lace fabric faces outward as shown. Secure with double stick tape. Then tie one end with twine. Fill with candy or other favor item and tie remaining edge closed.

3. Optional: Add stars or other adornments to all or a few of the favor crackers.

[Images and instructions courtesy of The Bride's Cafe]

Give a Joy Jar This Holiday Season!

Once in a while, you stumble upon something that just gives you the warm fuzzies all over. And so I introduce to you a little girl who is turning her struggle into triumph.

Jessica Joy Rees is a smart 12 year old girl with bright eyes, an infectious smile and a love of swimming. She was also diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor earlier this year, which she and her family are fighting to help her overcome. Through her treatment, she witnessed other children undergoing their own struggles, many too sick to be able to go home with their family like she could. She saw how hard it was on them and she wanted to encourage them to NEGU, Never, Ever Give Up. She spoke with her family and found a way to do just that.

They began her charity, the NEGU Foundation, to provide support for other children and their families who were fighting against cancer, and also created Joy Jars, a special gift full of presents for the children.

For this holiday season, and even beyond, you can purchase a Joy Jar for your friends, family and/or colleagues, and the NEGU Foundation will also give one to a child in need. This is such a wonderful organization from such a brave little girl. Consider skipping that default bottle of wine or basket of unhealthy cookies, and send a gift that goes beyond just your giving, and helps bring hope to someone who needs it.

I'm so impressed by Jessica and her family and will keep them in my thoughts and prayers. Their decision to turn hardship into an opportunity to help others is truly remarkable and inspiring.

Messenger by Mary Oliver

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird —
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.


~ Mary Oliver ~

Many thanks to Pink of Perfection for sharing this poem.

Fuzzy Fig Cocktail courtesy of Party Dress Magazine

I just found this fabulous Fuzzy Fig Cocktail in Party Dress Magazine that has that hint of purple to enhance my Thanksgiving table setting. Add a little Jo Sno Fig Vanilla Black Pepper Syrup to your favorite glass of Prosecco, throw in a sliver of fig and voila, a tantalizing treat!

Thanksgiving Table Decorating Ideas

So in my future life, I will have an endless array of accent pieces, freshly starched dinner linens and will throw elaborate dinner parties where friends and family can gather round for a rousing night of culinary delights, laughter and merry making. Until then, I daydream and create inspiration boards for that someday dinner table...

While I love this time of year, I'm not entirely sold on the brown, orange, yellow and red color scheme that so many stores try to pigeonhole this holiday in. Instead, I decided to mix a little trendy (copper mugs used to serve Moscow Mules are everywhere at events, and the copper tone makes a fun pop color), a bit of classic (fine china, stemware and flatware), a dollop of natural (pine cones, white pumpkins and hydrangea) and a dash of girly (aubergine accents, napkins and menu cards) to give a very festive and unique twist to a Thanksgiving table.

If I get a wild hair and decide to play with these elements for our table, I will be sure to post pictures.

What are your plans for the holidays? How will you be decorating your home?

Many thanks to the following designers and fellow bloggers, whose work inspired this post: Jill Tran, The French Bouquet, The Party Dress, Laura Hooper Calligraphy, One Vanilla Bean and last, but not least, Carissa Jones of JL Designs

Are you a Princess or a Queen?

In our society, the role of the Princess has often been coveted through both media and fairy tales. The recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton and endless Disney movies still show that we have an obsession with the persona of the princess, the beautiful maiden who is all song and loveliness, usually up against some odds, whether it be locked tower, evil stepmother or dragon, just waiting for her beauty to lure someone in to rescue her. It's a beautiful story, but is it something to really aspire to?

About a year ago, I had a discussion with one of my coworkers who had been in a relationship for a while, but found himself being pursued by a beautiful girl who came from money and seemed to offer a life of bliss, limited struggle and future financial stability. She was becoming quite vigilant in her pursuit of him, with little regard for his relationship, which she was well aware of. I looked at my coworker and told him, "She sounds like she's a Princess, but I think what you deserve, and will ultimately want, is a Queen." I am quite aware that the princesses of our world (Lady Di, Princess Grace of Monaco and now the Duchess of Cambridge) have had a more philanthropic impact and have done great things in our world, but I'm speaking here of an archetype.

I explained the difference to him like this: a Princess is lovely, but she needs to be forever rescued. She doesn't have control or power over anything, just the illusion of it. She will look for ways to put herself in peril so that you will spend your days acting as a Knight in Shining Armor, expending your strengths and abilities. Heck, most princesses are asleep while their "true love" is out slaying dragons, risking life and limb, to save her.

What you really want is a Queen. She has to rule her kingdom with a level-head, compassion and strength. She has to put her own self-interest to the side in order to protect the dignity of both her family and her people. She doesn't wake up in the morning ready to be beautifully dressed so that she can wander the garden and be admired. She wakes up ready to face the day and make decisions that won't endanger herself or others, and will promote the future of her kingdom so that others can thrive and prosper. She doesn't make decisions that will compromise her people's security, such as spending money or going in to battle, without much thought and counsel of those that she respects and admires. This is what you want in the woman in your life.

This co-worker still remembers this discussion and references it on occasion as to what he is looking for, and while I do believe what I said, living it is much harder than just sharing it with another. Who doesn't want to live a life of perpetual admiration with little expectation or pressure to make bold decisions? Some days I feel like life would be easier if I could be lifted from the cinders and swept away into a castle, but that's where the illusion of Happily Ever After begins. What then?

My hope is that I appreciate the princess, but that I live and act like a queen. I want to make the lives of those around me better. The princess can smell the roses, but the queen can command that the most exotic and lovely plants be brought in to make the kingdom more beautiful. The princess can be the belle of the ball, but the queen had the resources to make it happen. The princess can marry a prince and wait for the someday when she'll have the opportunity to make a lasting impact, but the queen is able to do this every day.